Between Here and California

I've been feeling extremely nostalgic lately. I know it's a combination of things and I've always been a pretty nostalgic person. The passing of my Uncle Fred has made me step back, or maybe stumble is a better word. Ben leaving...and even this KONY 2012 stuff. I'm not going to get into it too much, but the scrutiny and now the unfortunate events that have happened in the past few days, have just made my heart want to jump out of my chest. My heart aches for the Russell family. I do believe this world is a beautiful place. I know it is every morning when I look outside and see the sun turning the sky pink through the trees. At dusk when the birds are all chirping at the moon rise and my son is asleep on my bed. I've been fortunate in my life to have family that have suffered through wars and addictions and lay-offs and bad times, but have always remembered to laugh and smile and take one day at a time. Life can be so ugly and painful and at the same time be so breathtakingly beautiful.

I've been yearning for those GE summer baseball games, dance contests and cherry cokes at the American Legion on Friday nights, snow cones and long country drives leading to nowhere with nowhere in particular in mind. I wouldn't even mind one more endless afternoon with my dad and Uncle Fred at the picnic table outside Uncle Fred's trailer. Too many beers and the stories are on repeat and the Wright Brothers are starting to "debate". I'd sit through a few more of those if I could. I've been lost in my memories the past few days. Remembering small meaningless moments that are like precious gems now. I'm collecting them and shining them up and putting them in safe places. Oscar will soon be creating memories and I wonder what they will be.  

I sit here typing onto the glowing background of my computer screen and looking at an old photograph of Uncle Fred at his typewriter. I miss just knowing that him and my dad are just a phone call away. I find myself reading comments on Uncle Fred's facebook wall over and over as a comfort. Every "like" equals a hug. 

The morning I found out my grandad Charlie passed away I had a dream that will forever be with me. My gramma and grandad were together (gramma passed away a few years before) and moving into a new apartment. Ben and I were visiting and helping them unpack their things. They both looked at us and reminded us that we could come visit anytime. They reminded me that they will always be here when I need them. When my dad passed away, for the first year I kept having dreams that he faked his death and he was actually still alive. A few felt so incredibly real that I would wake up thinking that maybe he was indeed still here, on the road between here and California.